In light of some recent events, I felt one way to deal with the remorse I felt would be to write about it. This is an experience with insights I felt needed to be shared. Some of this will be personal, at my expense in some cases but hopefully illuminating. I will warn you now – my Ego may or may not show in this. If it does – I’m sorry. I’m trying to be objective and unbiased, especially since I’ve had two weeks to mull this over in my head and assess the feelings I have felt from this experience. You’ve been warned.
This recent bad experience has allowed me to experience another “Walk-of-Life” through the eyes of another. Sometimes this ride was fun – but much of the time, it was stressful, emotionally abusive and difficult not to lose myself to the “Ego” and sometimes I did lose myself. This side was “Popularity” or “The Popular Kids” life. It is not a path I envy. I’m glad I have always been pretty happy working from a place of/like Spirit, behind the scenes where no one notices you much if at all except perhaps later for the good you impart upon their lives for however brief the experience may be, if that.
Now to give some perspective, I have NEVER been a “Popular Girl”. Least not a part of the normal “Cliques” that you traditionally find in High Schools. I never fit-in to any particular Stereotype. Sure, I looked normal but I felt like an outsider, an outcast, an alien in a foreign land just trying to assimilate so I could better blend into my surroundings. No one would guess I was (and still am) a Goth at heart (I just don’t dress like it everyday of my life. Do you know how expensive the lifestyle is?! Ouch!). However, one could also argue I was the “Popular Girl” among my circle of friends who felt the same as I did. “Like attracts like” and we attracted each other like moths to a flame – but it felt like I was kind of at the center of it all, drawing those who felt lost – in. I’m not just saying that to stroke my Ego though. That’s from personal observation from the time (and a few people can vouch on my behalf). I never judged anyone who wanted to sit with us and I was more than inviting and usually said, “Sure! Have a seat“. Perhaps that’s why people enjoyed my company so much. Who honestly knows.
So why was I never attracted to the “Popular Crowd“? Why didn’t I mingle with other girls my age? In all honesty, aside from the fact I simply didn’t belong, I didn’t like them. Maybe it was intuition or maybe you can blame popular culture High School movies and other media. Although, there is alwaysa grain of truth even in the most ridiculous of things. It’s just a matter of combing through the bull’s excrement. Yes; I did just say it like that.
I was never attracted to the ideal of “Popularity” because of yes – the horror stories I knew all too well and there was some truth to it. The lying, back-stabbing, lack of loyalty to one another (or loyalty to the Queen female dog only) or to keep dirty secrets, constant gossip between one another (often about each other), paranoia, the superficiality, constant lies they probably told themselves to make themselves feel better instead of trying to approach their issues head-on, often bullying others, lack of desire to confront the emotional or inner issues they had by course of reflection to become individuals in touch with their humanity. The list might be a touch more extensive than that, but that’s what comes to mind. I also just got along better with the guys. Less drama and in all honesty, men seemed easier to understand than girls (being a bit of a Tom-boy might have something to do with that). Having dated one briefly (A Girl), I understand and appreciate what good men go through when they meet a girl who doesn’t treat them well, nor truly appreciate them and can relate to some of the “Horror Stories” they tell about their Ex’.
There were a plethora of reasons I didn’t want to be among the “Popular Kids”. It came right down to the one word that was the epitome of what they were to me, Ego-based. I’d like to gladly state now I was no saint in High School nor was I probably better of an example, but I did understand what it meant to be a “True Friend” and don’t ask me how. I just – did. It was like “instinct” it just flowed so naturally. I was good about keeping friend’s dirty secrets from one another and if I shared anything, I kept people’s anonymity if I felt the story could help someone else, especially another friend. I was loyal to those who loved me for who I was and supported their hopes and dreams. Was even the Adviser from time to time and the Mediator in tough situations. Overall though, I was still a pretty selfless person *cough* and a bit of a “welcome mat” *cough*, but overtime we all change and grow into different people whether for better or worse.
I feel I have definitely grow into a better individual than I was in High School. Stronger too. Made improvements, learned from important life lessons – especially this recent one – which has left an abundance of unanswered questions and a major failure in communication hanging in the air – on all parties ends sadly. The worst part of all was that I never had a chance to speak my peace and tell my side of the story and there is always more than one side to every story, there are three. Yours, the other Party’s and that of the Universe. What the Universe knows to be fair, just and true.
I genuinely cared for the person I did call “Friend” for a time and I tried my best to be the friend they “needed” and while at times I did not always take the right course of action, finding myself sometimes giving into my “Ego“, maybe in the end – it was exactly what was needed. I don’t know. Only time can tell if seeds of Good influences were planted or not.
What I do know – is this. There is good in everyone, including this former friend. Though they often admitted to me they knew they weren’t a “Good Person” but rather a “Nice Butt-hole” (like the censorship? Bit silly isn’t it?), but they remarked to me one day about how they wished they could be a “Good Person” like me. Of course I said, “You think being nice is easy? It’s not.” That’s true but it is a path that is far more rewarding and often helps the relationships you have with others and the world around you. Additionally, wishing or wanting to be “Good” over a “Butt-hole” or a “Twig” is a choice. You can choose to be whoever or whatever you want to be, but the kind of energy you put out into the world is what you will get back in kind, that’s the consequence of our choice.
There’s an old, I believe it is Apache, story about a Grandfather telling his Grandson about the two wolves that fight for dominance within all of us, one evil and one good. The Grandson asked, “Which one wins Grandfather?” the Grandfather replied, “The one you FEED“. I encourage you to Google search this story for yourself since the long version is pretty awesome.
Even though this person was not the best person or friend in the world, it sucks in any situation to lose someone you care about, but I know this is best for both of us. I can’t handle them the way they are now, because it’s too detrimental to my growth and emotional well-being. My hope for them is that they eventually realize they need help before they lose all the people they love and care about by pushing them all away and find themselves alone. True Friends are very hard to come by and definitely more valuable than gold. They always try to do what’s in our best interest, even if we don’t always see it to realize and appreciate what they have done for us. Cherish them while you have them.
Thank you for reading and indulging my Ego if at all a bit.
~Infinite love and gratitude, Namaste~